What Our Language Reveals About the Relationships We Think We're In

Heidi Dawson
Jul 22
3 min read

IT STARTS WITH A SINGLE WORD

Words matter.

Not because we should spend our lives policing what people say, but because the words we choose often reveal assumptions we didn't even realise we were making.

One word I notice regularly in the world of Equine Facilitated Learning (EFL) is use.

"I use horses in my coaching."
"We use horses to teach leadership."

Most people who say this have the very best of intentions. They're not suggesting horses are machines or pieces of equipment. They're simply using the language that's become commonplace.

But I can't help wondering what sits beneath those words. Because language doesn't just describe our relationships. It shapes them.

HORSES ARE NOT TOOLS

One of the foundations of my work is recognising equine ethology - understanding horses as horses; Not as furry therapists; Not as leadership experts; Not as magical creatures with all the answers.

They are sentient animals with their own biology, instincts, social structures, motivations and preferences. They experience the world differently from us - and that matters!

When we truly appreciate that, it becomes difficult to think of them as something we simply use. Instead, I find myself talking about working alongside horses:

Learning with them.
Paying attention to what they notice.
Respecting that they are active participants rather than passive resources.

It's a subtle difference in language, but a significant difference in mindset.

"DOING TO" OR "DOING WITH"?

This idea extends far beyond horses.

Think about the language we use every day:

"I use my team..."
"I use my staff..."
"I use my network..."
"I use my partner as a sounding board."

None of these phrases are intended to be unkind. Yet they quietly position one person as the one with agency and the other as the resource.

Now compare that with different language:

"We worked alongside each other."
"We explored it together."
"She helped me think."
"He challenged my assumptions."
"We learned from one another."

The relationship immediately feels more equal. More collaborative. More human.

The shift isn't just linguistic. It's relational.

LEADERSHIP IS SOMETHING WE CREATE TOGETHER

This is one of the reasons I believe horses have so much to teach us about being human.

Not because they are trying to teach us anything. Not because they're mirroring our behaviour. But because they respond honestly to what they experience.

They offer information rather than instruction.

If we're willing to pay attention, they invite us to notice how we show up in relationship.

That lesson applies just as much in the workplace as it does in the field:

Leadership isn't something we do to people.
Coaching isn't something we do to clients.
Development isn't something we do to teams.

The most meaningful change happens when we create it with one another.

THE INVITATION TO NOTICE

This isn't an argument about choosing the "right" words. It's an invitation to become curious.

The next time you hear yourself saying you use someone, or use something, pause for a moment...

What relationship does that word assume?
Would you choose a different word if you thought of that person - or horse - as an active participant rather than a means to an end?

Sometimes a single word can reveal an entire mindset. And sometimes, simply noticing that word is enough to begin seeing our relationships differently.

Perhaps that's where real change begins? Not with better language. But with a deeper appreciation of those we have the privilege to work alongside.